Tuesday, October 16, 2007

How to become a psycho Christian parent (By Aaron Kendall)

I found this on SavetheHumans.com

Thought is was funny and thought you would too.


Being from the Deep South and having been in the presence of children who had insane psycho-Christian parents, I have often been asked "How exactly does one go about becoming a psycho-Christian parent?"

Well, it's actually much easier than you would suspect, and can be accomplished in just seven easy steps...

1. The first part is the hardest part: getting a kid. Of course, you could get married to someone who will accept your self-inflicted sexual repression, actually perform that naughty act of sex, and then have a child...but that's a lot of work. If you can, steal one from a woman in the park who leaves her stroller unattended for a few minutes. Trust me, she won't miss the little bastard.

2. During the initial phase of the child's upbringing, you can't really work in explicit comments since the child isn't even really aware of its environment. So, for now, you'll have to rely on subliminal material. For example, instead of the regular trinkets hung over the child's crib like crescent moons and smiling faces, you should hang crucifixes with a blood-soaked Jesus and various pictures of God's wrath. That should burn a few images which will haunt the child for the rest of his or her life.

3. As the child becomes older, you will need to teach him or her the appropriate use of the English language. For example, the child should refrain from using the Lord's name in vain. In order to have the child become completely paralyzed at the thought of even using the word, severe punishments for blasphemy should include such acts as whipping the child with a set of Rosemary beads, or washing the child's mouth out with the lubricant used by your local priest when he sodomizes altar boys.

4. When the child is old enough to attend church, you should use more enhanced methods for brainwashing the child. Coordinate an attempt with the other parents to dress two actors, one as Christ and one as Satan, and have those actors perform for the children. Direct "Christ" to give out candy at the performance and direct "Satan" to take all of their candy away, with "Satan" crowning the scene by branding one of the children with a hot pitchfork. This performance should really throw some fear into the little suckers.

5. As the child becomes an adolescent, you should establish the basis of the relationship between the two of you by becoming completely evasive in regard to the child's problems. Remember, it's important to walk away from the conversation upon hearing the child's problems and run straight for the Church, praying there until the child finally falls asleep at home after crying alone for several hours.

6. When the child is old enough to attend college and has a thicker skin, you should begin using more colorful nicknames for the child, in order to provide the child with some sense of identity. Nicknames should follow examples like "ball and chain", "accident", "weight on my shoulders", "ungrateful bastard child", and "worthless, pagan fuck".

7. Once the child leaves home, you won't have many chances to continue squashing the child's self-esteem. However, in death, you can leave a small ball-buster by including a note in the will that reads "Go ahead, take the sofa. And thanks for ruining my life, Spawn of Satan. I'll work with Christ to make sure that you get a nice room in Hades."

Follow these simple seven steps, and you'll live forever in the nightmares of your children!


tina said...

I went to the link earlier and totally forgot to comment here! Sorry. That Aaron Kendall is hilarious. He has some strange people comment on his posts.

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