Have you ever been so intensely convinced that you had something real because the people around you were such good liars? Or maybe because you didn’t want to actually know the truth. Have you ever felt like you were just floating through life?
Everywhere you look it is like a fog hanging on everything. Your motivation is gone. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong and you certainly are not suicidal but you can’t help but hope that you will die soon because you are so bored.
Maybe if only your previous request to die had been honored then you would not be here. There are certain advantages that come with wishing you were dead and not wanting to kill yourself. You can go out with crazy people to dangerous places, have a great time and not be scared. You can look evil straight in the eye and not even care.
It feels like the whole world is crumbling down around you yet it also feels like this giant weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. You are no longer responsible to save the world, or the girl, or even yourself. You don’t clean, and your personal possessions fall into peril.
You start to realize that this wasn’t a sudden shift but a long, drawn out and tediously planned attack. You aren’t upset. You actually look at the whole situation with admiration and wish that you were capable of pulling it off. You regret being good. You regret being faithful. The pendulum swings once again.
Your eyes grow sad and weary. You find it hard to get out of bed. You drink yourself to sleep every night. You begin to understand those people that snap. You realize that all that is good, bad, scary and amazing in the world is nothing more than electronic impulses traveling across synaptic receptors and suddenly you realize why so many people believe in god.
It makes all of this so much easier. It gives it all meaning. It gives us a purpose. It makes you feel good and warm and confident. Suddenly you find yourself wishing that you were capable of believing, but such nonsense could never be completely grasped without some sort of self denial.
So you relish in the pain. You enjoy the agony. You wait for your next opportunity to do battle. You wait patiently for the end to come.