A letter to Al Qaeda

Dear Mr. Osama Bin Laden

I wasn’t sure if your war was with America or if it was against Christianity. I wanted to be the one to tell you that even though a large portion of this country is Christian, not all of us are. I don’t think that it is fair that I have to be caught in the middle of an ideological war when I clearly don’t subscribe to either side. I do not want to be a casualty of a war over a god or gods that I don’t believe exist. I think that it would only be fair to arrange a fair battle somewhere away from those of us that don’t believe in god’s or magic. This way you could have a face to face battle and allow your gods to determine who is right by seeing who is left standing at the end. I am tired of having to wonder if I am going to get blown up every time I get on an airplane because I don’t believe that Allah or Jesus is god. I am sure that they were both great people. I know Jesus was fond of turning water into wine and I think that this was a really cool trick. I have been trying to learn it for a while now. An airplane though is no place for religion. Actually this planet is no place for religion but I think we are beyond repair on that point. Anyways I will gladly sit on the sidelines while the religions fight. If it is necessary for the winner to have everyone believe in what they believe, I will play along. After all the worst thing that can happen is that I will go to heaven right?

Sincerely